Year: 2019

Overview

As far as The Artist’s Way goes, I feel like I’m back to where I started. I dread drawing. It’s stressful and, more than simlpy not having the time to draw, I actively seek out other tasks (my house is cleaner than it has been in a long time). I fret constantly that I’m not working hard enough, not studying enough, not good enough. I’m back in therapy, having suffered three panic attacks in two weeks, and I’m feeling numb. Just achingly, miserably, numb and I can’t muster the will for an artist’s date when even eating feels like a chore.

None of this is the fault of the Artist’s Way, of course. It’s given me tools that have staved off this collapse for a while, but sometimes life comes at you all at once, and TAW is designed to deal with being blocked, not life crises.

Morning pages

This has been the best thing that’s come out of this course. I’m more consistent with them now, even managing to write at the weekend, and not beating myself up when I miss a day or three.

They’re less useful in the short term – I am spectacularly good at ignoring the bloody obvious signs of stress and burnout – but looking back, I can see warning signs.

The morning pages have given me space to vent and process things, and a resource to look back over and see when I started struggling and why. Money, the new kitten, routine, work, housework – nothing revelatory, but I’m really good at rationalising things away as “not a big deal”, but seeing the same thing come up, over and over, and – often – my handwriting deteriorating as I flounder about trying to convince myself that I’m Fine, that I have everything in hand, is telling.

Artist’s date

None.

I’ve tried getting out of the house but not drawing, and that small step has helped my mental health a lot, but I’m not feeling inspired.

Verdict

A bad time for me, personally, but tye book has helped. Looking back over these checkins, I see where I’ve come from amd where I’ve been and I know that I can get there again.

The morning pages allow me to monitor what’s on my mind, and to just braindump and get on with it. The main issue with them is that they get me fired up to do something, but then I have to go to work and do anything other than what I’m excited about. Once I get back in my feet, I can try tinkering with when I write them and see what happens.

Overall, I think it helped what it was designed to help with, and once I get though this round of therapy, I’ll take a look at where I am artistically, and would do do it again if I needed to.

Overview

A sudden family bereavement last week has knocked us all for a loop and I’m at a loss as to what to do next. But I’m alive and I have to keep going, despite the loss. I don’t want to dwell on it – it feels like I’ve done nothing but talk about it and I’ve got nothing to say that I haven’t already said over and over.

As far as The Artist’s Way goes, I’m still struggling on. I have lingering feelings of “doing it wrong” for taking over a year to do this instead of 12 weeks, but this is my project, not anyone else’s, and – although I want it to be done – I’m not planning on rushing the last week just to get it over with.

One if this week’s exercises is to record your artist’s prayer and use it for meditation. Well, I completely forgot about all that almost as soon as I made the recording, and my meditation practice is less regular than I’d like. Something to works on, and this week’s exercises have given me a better direction for the future.

Regarding synchronisity (something Cameron is keen on, as a sign from a supportive creator), there have been a few things this month. My house has been a constant source of stress for a while now and, as it was coming to a head, the internet lit up with chatter about Marie Kondo. Since my sister had lent me the book, I got stuck in and even the small changes I’ve made so far have improved my mental health considerably. A letter promising a financial windfall – from a legitimate source, and unrelated to last week’s bereavement – arrived just as some unanticipated outgoings left us short.

Morning pages

I’m getting more consistent, and building up a good streak, but weekends still defeat me. I’m still not sure how I’m supposed to fit three pages of longhand into half an hour, but it doesn’t matter. I’m doing my thing, my way.

Artist’s date

I don’t think I did one this month. I went on new adventures, visited new places and made time to play, but Cameron stipulates that this is “artist alone-time”. My play-time this month wasn’t creative, but it was necessary.

I’m slowly getting more comfortable making space for play, though I’m not consistent with it yet, and it isn’t a habit. However, despite what Cameron says, I think there’s space for play-time which other people; I can isolate myself very easily, and minigolf isn’t much fun on your own!

Verdict

A mixed month, all in all. Up until last week, I’d have said it was going pretty well and I was optimistic about the future. I suppose I still am, but – for obvious reasons – I’m feeling somewhat subdued right now.

But I have a plan, and I’m setting goals and working towards them. I’m using the morning pages to identify stressors and dealing with them as I recognise them, and I’m slowly growing into the kind of person I want to be.

Overview

Since my last check-in, I find myself awash with religiosity. Specifically, I’m more active in my faith and faith community that I have been for a long time. It’s good. I’m happier in myself and whether that’s because of this fresh start or incidental to it doesn’t matter. I’ll take what I can get.

I’ve started a new blog to talk about that because I know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea and I’m not the proselytising type. There’s inevitably going to be some overlap at some point, though – plants, animals, and the environment have always been Special Interests of mine, and there’s no hard line where it stops being an interest and starts being an expression of faith, especially for an animist dealing largely with fantastic themes. If it works for Miyazaki…

I do consider The Artist’s Way to be the root of this. All of Cameron’s talk about a Creator and how our creativity is our gift back to them and/or them working through us is where it started, so I’ve definitely got something out of this course, even if it wasn’t what I was looking for when I went in.

Morning pages

I’m getting better at doing the pages, even if it’s only every other day. I fired my counsellor in January, and haven’t yet built up a rapport with the new one, so I’m relying on them to figure out what’s going on and what I need to address.

I’m not beating myself up as much about not getting them done every day, but I’m celebrating when I do them and when they provide insight, and that seems to be working. More carrot, less stick

Artist’s date

I took a couple of hours to revisit some characters I haven’t thought about in years. I had to try very hard not to fall into the trap of ‘this has to be perfect/presentable/portfolio-worthy’ and just enjoy the moment, but I still struggle. Character design isn’t something I’ve done for a long time and these characters are so ill-defined that the first big step is to get a sense of who they are, but they’re coming along.

I remember wanting to use them in a comic, if only I could come up with a coherent storyline for them, but the concepts are still fun to play with. An accidental necromancer, an atheist paladin, and an immortal pirate captain walk into a bar…

Verdict

I’m starting to flag, but the end is in sight.

I enjoyed taking some time to sketch without the expectation of having anything presentable. Like when I was playing with the figurines, removing the pressure of making something presentable freed me up to just tinker with ideas. My life is an ocean of stressors, unfinished to-do lists and self-inflicted deadlines right now, and making space to play was exactly what I needed.